#serious-thoughts The other day, I was talking to someone about flights to and within Europe. The person in question was from the United Kingdom. * "I really wish I took the opportunity to travel more within the country while I was actually there; you've probably traveled a lot within the continent since it's so affordable." * "Not particularly. Maybe relative to an American though." And it stung me a little because then I realized, oh god, I was kind of sounding like a pretentious tech bro there. Living in San Francisco now and realizing the amount of resources people had growing up for the most part, I considered myself in the situation of "poor but somehow kinda made it" and am now DoorDashing food whenever I can't be assed to make it. My friend J says I still have poor girl habits though. I recently gave myself food poisoning after eating 5-day old food because I couldn't bear the money wasted if I didn't eat it. And then I was sick for an entire day. I think part of it too was that I was constantly surrounded by people doing equally-as-well-as or better-than I was financially. God, the amount of rich girls I was secondhand exposed to constantly who owned entire closets of thousands of dollars of athleisure clothing, or people I was friends with who didn't have jobs because their startup was bought out and they were just fucking around making art made me feel like I was doing "just ok". That conversation that I had with that person though made me feel kind of guilty, especially now even more than ever as I'm continuously getting exposed to people in lesser financial situations than I'm in all over the United States due to the new hobbies I've been trying out lately. People pointing out things in my room that cost thousands of dollars. People who have to actually budget out air travel and bum on couches because they're not in the position to afford a hotel room. People who have to choose between investing in their career or dying their hair and meanwhile I'm getting a $1000 tattoo impulsively on a random Friday. Why am I still trying to justify the "I grew up poor but..." yadda-yadda script? What am I trying to prove? I've always thought that I make up for it for the most part for some of my friends and family, since I've spoiled my own loved ones with experiences at Michelins or showered them with gifts or gave them things they otherwise wouldn't afford. But it's so much more than that. Now more than ever I'm realizing I'm privileged. And I don't particularly like feeling that way. I think because of the stereotype that rich people are all kind of assholes and I don't like people not knowing that I wasn't really "self-made" in a way. Many people in the world are not in the same position that I'm in where I have \[redacted\] amounts of money parked in stock and I could buy a home in the majority of the United States without being too pressed. It's a bit uncomfortable dealing with this incongruence in my life right now because it goes against the narratives I've made for myself. But I can't particularly help it. At least my worldview is growing.