#love #serious-thoughts I've gotten myself in a little hair lately and at first I said it would be for the plot but my friends were all like: "Bella it's never for the plot, but sure, since we like your plot" "No no, it's definitely just for the plot. I know I'll just be having fun. There are no long-term consequences to my life if I just get to play with this plot even for a little" "Sure, bels" Spoiler alert, I got attached. As I always do. And it's against all odds in my rational brain, who keeps telling me that this guy is literally THE definition of a person that on checklist I would be radically incompatible with. And he's literally on the opposite coast. What the hell is wrong with me. Unfortunately, the communication recently feels like the push-pull that I absolutely detest. So it feels even *more* of a waste of time for me, because why am I putting in so much of my mental energy towards a guy whose profile I would never give the time of day if I happened to see it on Hinge, especially since he's not even reciprocating my energy? And objectively I *know* I'm being hooked in with communication on his part that should be intolerable to me and I shouldn't be just taking it for what it is. I'm trying to figure out the depths of why I feel like this. What do I like about them? When I ask myself that it's hard to particularly answer. I really like his personality *sometimes*. I think that he's funny? He also knows nothing about me and isn't even trying to close the gap on that front. My birthday, family, where I work, all those factoids I'm pretty sure he can't even name. I start all the conversations. There is little effort in putting in ways to make it richer. I'm definitely being breadcrumbed. I think at first my attention was caught when I was receiving positive social media attention I wouldn't typically get even in a relationship: likes on my story, comments on my post. They've dried up at the point that I'm writing this, but it definitely kept him solidly in my mind. And now that that has gone away, my anxious brain is left wondering "what happened?" "Did I do something wrong?" "Am I being too much again?" I start to overthink miles when I see social media activity but no texts back. Oh my god anxious bels you have got to stop, because you are never too much. My behavior leans this way often when I get hooked on a connection, so the sensation and thought processes are new to me. I think that whenever I feel this way, it makes me think that this connection that I have with this person is a rare thing I have to grasp my hands in and hold onto. And so the scarcity mindset and my anxiety goes haywire, even though I objectively know I've connected well to others in the past. For some reason it's hard for me to think of how this attachment gets developed in the first place. Honestly I'd say it's more akin to an addiction - it's not a state of mind I'm purposely trying to be in. My leading theory is that I feel like love to me is something that has to be attained - if it came easy, then I don't think I deserve it, and thus I discard that type of affection. I'm drawn to the hyperaroused state of anxiety and I chase the high from being rewarded by what I perceive as a challenge. It's not that I wanted it to be this way, but it feels so deeply ingrained in me and visceral. My body keeps saying "just leave it on cruise control" against all rational thought. I can't leave it up to him though or I'll just keep getting dinged around on this road. It's not even worth it. What's wrong with me?