#serious-thoughts I recently got two new tattoos lately and one of the biggest compliments I've been getting from this has been "oh my god Bella that's sooo you!" And it makes me feel _so_ good to hear. Yes. It is me. It is so cute. And so me. By transitive property, you must think *I* am cute. You totally get it. I'm not sure why, but I have this particular fixation with hearing this. Things like when it comes to my music playlists or certain songs, food that I make, art that I create. My obnoxious shiny stupid pink car. [[self expression|Self expression]] has always been something very important to me. I've come to the conclusion that I have an obsession with this feeling. When I was much younger, I considered myself a huge wallflower. I was perceived by others as the quiet type up until mid-college, and it reinforced this in my head. Retrospectively, I was (secretly) annoying as fuck, thinking that I was this special sort of someone that nobody could understand with the most complex mind and experiences. Oh my god thank fuck I didn't have some sort of strong internet footprint when I was 14. My leading theory was that it was because I had incredibly low self esteem as a kid. My parents were never particularly good at making me feel like I deserved anything, because they were so inconsistent in how they treated me constantly. I thought that I was disgustingly ugly and needed to earn validation and love. Even though I know I could easily get attention nowadays as an adult, I still maintain a few of these beliefs and now attribute some degree of value to it. Attention from a Hinge match pales in comparison to [[every time I have a crush I wish someone would put me in an asylum|whoever my current crush is]]. While I no longer seek this validation out in unhealthy ways, I still crave it obscenely. When someone makes me feel special and seen and validated, I fixate strongly on them and the way they make me feel. I want to feel seen. I want to feel like someone knows me. I want more. Let me sit in this feeling over and over. Tell me I'm cute. Tell me I'm smart. Tell me I'm amazing. Tell me you don't know anyone like me. I'm the best thing to have happened to you. Please. I need you now. And in these moments I feel a bit like a monster. I acknowledge it's not the healthiest way to receive love, and it makes me easily susceptible to the whims of others. Want my attention? Compliment me! A lot! Fuck. But I'm working hard.