but why do i feel like i’d be such a burden? when trying to breach emotional vulnerability and barriers, i’ve always been told i was way too much by several almost-relationships. and then they’d end. so i stopped being as completely honest with myself, because the winner of the relationship is always the one who cares just a little less than the other, right? and so finding a good thing where i have a lot of fun with so far i feel like makes it really hard. because i feel like i stagnate purposely just to extend how good everything feels when i’m with them. emotional immaturity i think is a bit of a poison. for me, it causes a lot of pain and has made me close myself a lot more than i thought i wanted to. i thought that i was fairly stable, but now heavy conversations are hard because i become fearful about the outcome. and i don’t want to tell people about my own feelings anymore because i get scared that they would think i’m too much again. i think uncertainty is universally feared. and it’s hard being single because i feel like there is such an expectation to be perfect. people kind of tell themselves “oh, you have to work on yourself to get into a relationship” and people talk about how many hobbies they have as if it makes them such an interesting, fulfilling person. and if things don’t work out, it’s somehow because you haven’t done enough work? so we all end up striving for a perfection that doesn’t exist, because every person has a different definition of perfection. and meanwhile paradoxically it’s like, oh, this person is loved DESPITE their flaws. as if only people in relationships can be flawed. > written October 2024 in my iPhone notes. these thoughts are totally unrefined #love