#serious-thoughts #love #ranting-screaming-yelling I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating I hate dating so fucking much Anyway I've been pretty much not in-an-official relationship since last year. And if we decide not to count that train-wreck of a rebound, it's been another 6 months added to that. My last major relationship lasted 2 years, and [[to spearmint nicotine|JH]] broke up with me because he fell out of love with me. ME BELLA LE SOFTWARE ENGINEER WITH CATS, A BAJILLION HOBBIES, LIKES TO DO A BUNCH OF THINGS, OPEN-MINDED AS HELL, AND ALSO SPOILS HER MAN And I was totally heartbroken and didn't eat for an entire month. To be fair, retrospectively we were completely incompatible. He was satisfied in his little Cupertino bubble and I was a just a girl who had big ideas and also kind of disliked how his friends treated the both of us, but he saw very black and white and honestly was a gigantic idiot. So whatever. I've been in a bunch of situationships since then. - F: Who totally completely lovebombed me and then got back after taking shrooms at Coachella and decided to move to San Francisco and live his single life clubbing. - G: Who was fun and spoiled me and honestly it was just one date but also at least he let me party at Martin Garrix for an extra day. - J: Who I completely overwhelmed, because all my anxious attachments were completely triggered and he felt that he needed to meet more people before he got into a relationship. - [[to lavenders and vanilla|I]]: Who I really really liked a [[every time I have a crush I wish someone would put me in an asylum|lot]]. And I thank him a lot for my drive to become a more interesting person. It's a shame that I never felt comfortable enough to fully open up to you. Now that I wrote all their names out it's kind of hilarious that it looks almost in alphabetical order. Nevertheless I AM EXHAUSTED * of people who don't know what they want * of disrespectful guys with absolutely no manners * of guys who clearly should work more on themselves before they go out and date * of guys who have the AUDACITY * of guys * of getting my heart broken. The solution is to either date with no expectations or to cut things off myself when I recognize patterns of relationships that will hurt me in the future. GOD THAT IS ACTUALLY SO HARD PLEASE The moment that I like someone I always end up liking them a little *too* hard. I get attached too easily. I know I have flaws that dive deep down into like, how my inner child feels or whatever. The work to heal myself is far too hard on my own. Realistically, you can't work on yourself and how you act in a relationship unless you're actually in a relationship in practice. Like people who say "you need to work on yourself before you get into a relationship" please be for real, how am I supposed to know I am a gigantic bitch to my partner until one breaks up with me because of it. I wish I became more and more disillusioned the more I fall into situationships. I'm far too much of a lover girl though. I romanticize and idealize them. I see people too much for the good that they are rather than the bad parts that will hurt me. It is kind of concerning though if my Claude history is me using it as a relationship therapist for a relationship I'm not even in, for like 10 chats in a row. ![[Pasted image 20250302224808.png]] <div align="center">yeah hey news flash for readers I am actually very pathetic. it actually also lasted 5 months btw</div> I'm not entirely sure how to keep going next. Against my nature, I actually need to force myself not to get attached now. Because HEY, guy I am talking to the very moment I'm writing this, news for YOU, I think you are super cool but also you are currently 🚩red flag🚩as hell to my life!!!!!! Even though you like a lot of video games but aren't that obsessive about it like I do! Even though you're really smart and have a lot of interests and you read and play board games and I think that's so cool! Even though I can really tell that you are really interested in your own personal development and I like that a lot! Even though you talk a little bit too much about your ex, but it's fine because I think you deserve better and better is hopefully me! Even though I barely still know anything about you! EVEN THOUGH YOU GIVE ME FOREHEAD KISSES AND THEY MAKE ME MELT EVEN THOUGH I REALLY LIKE THE WAY YOU HOLD ME WHEN WE CUDDLE IN BED AND EVEN THOUGH I THINK YOU ARE EXTREMELY CUTE!!! FFFFFUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKK TTTTHHHHIIIIISSSSS Edit May 28: Lol by the way that guy totally friend zoned me months ago and we don't talk anymore 🌸